Monday, August 16, 2010

The Ups-and-Downs of Losing Something Precious

One of my favourite lecturers says grief and loss of a relationship is the reason people seek help from counsellors. I experienced a loss of a special kind of relationship.

It has been more than 24 hours. I had not heard news about my Samsung Wave which was out of my sight. To be exact, I don’t have the full ownership of this phone. I am supposed to return it to Samsung and GoMobile after trying it out.

My feelings had been like a ride on a roller coaster from the moment I discovered it wasn’t in my pocket until I started to write this down. I searched and searched when I first discovered its disappearance in the crowd for more than an hour. I reported my loss to the management and was assured that they would ring me up should they found it or that someone would give it to them. I thought, yeah, there are two “NOT FOR SALE”s signs engraved on the phone, how can someone sell it out? Unless the person does not understand what that means. I calmed down a little after that hoping that anyone who saw it would be kind enough to return to the management.

Hence I keep calling my number. There was no response. I started to get anxious as the clock goes round. My friends told me from their past experiences that there would be a chance of it missing and not coming back again in this case. They rationalize that a person who would return it to me would contact me through all means. My heart almost shattered to have to accept this possibility. I had been constantly telling myself that people would be kind and honest. This is definitely one of the days I could blurb out four-letter-words, like L-O-V-E…

NAH! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING! I’ve been reminding myself to really AVOID the usage of rude words but this time, I can’t find substitutes.

My initial hope seems so gloomy ever since. I had to attend a compulsory workshop after that. I dragged myself there but my heart wasn’t there. All I had been thinking was my phone. In the session, every participant had to describe their current emotions. There were lists of positive and negative descriptions and I chose “INSPIRATIONAL”. My mind was so busy spinning thoughts. I tried my best not to affect people around me by showing face or bad mood until break time. We were allowed to do whatever we wanted to.

I walked off alone thinking about the whole process of losing my phone. I was extremely angry at myself for being careless and not persistent enough to continue searching. My emotions got so intense at a point that I started to lose control and cry. I seriously dislike a situation which is out of my control and I put all the blame on myself for making that happen. Whose responsibility of taking care of my possession is it if not mine? Could there be anyone else I could point my finger to?

It was really heavy. I had not cried for a long, long time. Not even when I was under stress whatsoever. Usually, I would try to solve the problem or shift my focus to something else. This time, I allowed myself to cry out like a child. I just cried as I walked alone. I was like, I have every right to cry for losing something. There’s no point to withhold the pain and continue to pretend that nothing happened. In the training as a counsellor, we are encouraged to be genuine to others and to ourselves and at that point, I just let it out. All my guilt and pain of the loss. It so happen that the last time I lose something was some time ago and the past experience emerges with this loss.

At the end of day, it’s not about what I lost. It’s the helplessness when things get out of control freaks me most. Imagine my Facebook, Twitter and Email accounts which were accessible in a few taps on the screen. I so totally needed a “What you have to do when you lose your smartphone 101”.

And luckily my brain was still able to function and it told me to change the passwords. Then it warmed up a bit and worked better. Instead of waiting naively for the person to switch on the phone after ten thousand calls, I called Digi to bar my number. Their customer service which is superb actually helped me to reduce my stress level. After consulting some friends, they suggested me to file a loss report.

Pei Leng was kind enough to accompany to lodge a police report. This is my very first time so I looked really dumb. I sat down at the counter and started to tell the police about the incident and she asked me, “Boleh buat cerita tak?” I was really puzzled,like, “Huh? Cerita? Ini bukanlah karangan UPSR kan? Ini kisah benar!” That was my monologue though. I typed a short paragraph which I doubt my primary school BM teacher would grade it an “A” but it seems fine for a report. I almost forgot I was in a police station, darn.

I also called to inform the person-in-charge of GoMobile about the incident. He was very understanding and told me that they would discuss it and let me know how to solve this problem.

My feelings went down again after the long, tiring day. This time, it is about losing the pictures I capture in my university life over the past 3 years. It made me feel extremely heavy-hearted. I knew I needed someone to talk to so I went to June’s room. I told her that the pictures and videos captured are irreplaceable. Now that the chance seems so slim, it makes me feel even sadder. She said something which lightened my heart instead, “It’s ok, we’ll make new memories”. I was instantly enlightened and feel grateful that I am blessed to be surrounded by nice people.

I really wish whoever has the phone now would put the phone to good use if he/she does not have the intention to return it to me. It’s afterall a great piece of gadget one would easily fall in love with. After this though, a bulb lightened up. If I could forgive the person who took my phone, why can’t I forgive myself and stop those self-blaming? The loss had definitely made me think. Perhaps that stimulated my potential of being a philosopher to say something like “By letting go, you gain”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not referring to my Wave, I’m talking about my emotions.

Secretively, I still hope miracles would happen i.e. as the person browse through my phone, he/she was greatly entertained by my videos (rated “U” kind, ok? E.g. me imitating the Vice Chancellor during college dinner because her speech was so long I got too hungry and became silly) or inspired by the notes I took down whenever I travel alone. My goodness, my collection of SS (Syok Sendiri) pictures which were never published is now is someone else’s hand. The thought of it alone is embarrassing and terrifying although those pictures are just plain decent pics.

Moral of the story, take good care of your valuables at all times may be a possession or even a relationship. Don’t only regret after losing it and remember its goodness. In this case, I’m starting to miss the Super AMOLED screen, the clarity of speaker, the powerful processor which makes web surfing a pleasure, the cool apps which I downloaded for free, the mini diary which I practically write about personal stuff, the photo album which contains random pictures I snap and the convenience of tweeting from everywhere.

My relationship with this phone is slightly over a month and I seriously wanted it to last much much LONGER. It is officially a relationship because my life is somehow affected now and things weren’t the same as I have personalized the phone. I really hope that my baby would still come back to me L or rather would I say someone, please return my baby to me! I know this sounds silly but I would buy it back if I was given the offer. I’ll make sure this would be the first and also last time I lose a mobile phone.

Saturday, August 07, 2010

My (lame) Fav Quotations

Imagine you're looking into my biodata from my Facebook account...
Under the favourite quotation part, it nearly reads something like this:

Serious ones (the list is long so this one represents all the others that I discover every day and even moments):
Every day is a bliss, every moment in life is a miracle.

Less Serious ones:
1. KKK (Ketawa Keluar Kuat) - Ya, I kiasu la...don't wana let others claim this as theirs.
2. Coolness- meaning ok
3. Huh?- an indication of blurriness
4. KNS- a hue of japanese-y inspired by Chua Yang Lip so that it sounds more decent.
5. nyehehe- rings whenever an evil thought surfaces

I ALMOST did that...that close but was sane enough to cancel the edits because my sanity pulled me back to reality. And it all started with the "KKK" thingy. Lame. Really.