Saturday, April 14, 2012

Through the lenses

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, they say.
The reason why I like to look at photographs is due to the angle they are
Captured through the lenses
not of the camera,
but the photographer.

It's not just a matter how superior your tools are,
it's also how moments are captured,
pictures are framed,
stories are composed,
lives are preserved...
from then and onwards.

The essence of photography is really,
through the eyes of the photographer.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Soul Mate

While there is a mixture of longing for a romantic relationship, and self-contentment being single, I don't believe in trying too hard to look for the One. It's different from maintaining a relationship though (that, I believe I would try my best after I decided to commit). I still believe in serendipity although I was proven wrong, for certain reasons only God knows because love happens at a rendezvous when we don't look too hard nor expect too much. Being open for the best and the rest shall fall into place is what I believe in.

And so, I was being asked of, "Why are you still SINGLE?"

(Monologue: bloody question, I seriously don't know where to start from. I need a point of reference).

And obviously, this isn't a pleasurable question that I'd delightfully answer, as there are too many answers to it. In short, the time, the people, the reasons and feelings doesn't happen to be right.

This usually follows, "What do you look for in your Boyfriend/ Partner?"

Frankly speaking, I'm pretty much looking for a soul mate, which is why it's even harder? (think of that as a long term relationship, all those fun and excitement vanishes and what's left are the uninterested looks of guys who just want flings). No one says it's easy...

So, this is the list, that I made, as a guideline for what I look for my future partner.

1. Have Chemistry

2. Someone who knows how to respect and love (or at least have the initiative to learn how to and improve over time)

3. Someone who accepts me wholeheartedly

4. Someone whom I can learn, share and grow through life (this takes a responsible, mature and macho man, not just any boys, perhaps. But of course, if I happen to love the boy so much, I won't mind showing him how to be a man, make sense?)

5. (I forget if there's actually a number 5...oh well, maybe not in my toppest priority that's why I can't recall)

Surprisingly short, and generic right? But extremely essential.

I used to have a longer list. Ranging from how the person should look like, his qualities, to values and attitudes. It's a much specific list, compared to this one. Over the years, I just figured that as we grow, our perceptions and needs change along. So what's the point of having this toilet-roll length descriptions of what I look for in a partner? Screw the list and go with the flow! It doesn't mean I'm settling for scraps...just falling in and out of love aimlessly or giving myself excuses to experiment with different guys. Being single for this whole period of time, in fact, made me grow. I learn to know myself better, give some space and hopes for romance but not in dread to jump into one. And ultimately, it trains my patience, to wait for someone, who is worthy! And i always believe that for something great to happen, it's worth the wait.

Of course, for a romantic relationship to bloom, it takes much more than that. I can write a book about it, but to cut it short, it takes the right person, the right time, the right feeling and an amount of similar values, goals and interests to ignite that something. I used to think that expectation in our partners is like trading, which I disagree with. So what if you find the 'perfect' person in the right package, fulfilling your list, but just comes in at a wrong time, or even there's this lack of chemistry?

We need that abit of some irrationalities, emotions, or unexplained factors to feel that we're in love afterall! I didn't mean that you'd fall crazily for someone who is able to spark that romance nerves of yours and immediately jump into the ocean of love without figuring when you'd be drowned because when you wake up the next day, it happens that there's nothing similar in you except physical attraction? or simply call it lust?

Being a little more practical or realistic doesn't necessarily kill the romantic elements in a relationship. Love is an art, which both parties have to work closely together to make it more perfect. As I believe in, soul mates are made not found. When they're made by you, they're tailored for you. And when the two people can make it through, the results yield are beyond what satisfaction can bring.

Good love simply brings out the best of two persons.

There's this quote which reads: If you want to be fast, travel alone. If you want to go far, travel with someone.

Perhaps, this quest is like travelling. For the time being, I'm enjoying being a nomad. I'll settle down when I find a place which I'd call home. Or that, my journey will be more interesting when the right person joins this venture.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


If I really have the memory span of a fish, I can live a new life every few seconds. I get to start over again and again. I don't get bored because I never realise that I'm repeating. But really, the irony is...

I despise repeating myself.

I hate my life being boring.

Hence, I'm constantly creating new memories.

I don't want to be reminded of my past.

I just wish to be a happy fish.

I can't relive the past.

Simply because I'm unrepeatable.

the shadow of my own,

is not something I can mirror on.

It is like an art,

where the artist waves her brush

the drawing that merges every part

in the middle of a midnight hush.

In magic she believes,

and how the rain actually relieves.

It was not the shadow that she fear,

For she would not give it a tear.

"You are unrepeatable. There is a magic about you that is all your own..." - D.M. Dellinger

Friday, September 17, 2010

From CEO under 30. A reminder for myself...

1. Your room for improvement is always your biggest room — so spend some time filling it up.

2. How do you combat inexperience? Over preparation.

3. There is never a substitute for enthusiasm: not skill, not talent, not expertise– the person with enthusiasm always wins.

4. In ever adversity, there lies a seed of equal or greater benefit.

5. Five years from now, your future will be most determined by the books you read and the people you associated with.

6. Many of the rewards in life come when you are out there on the extra mile.

7. You have to have some principles that you can believe in and that you won’t waver from.

8. Never forget where you came from…and you helped you get there.

9. There is no luck in success. Success is where opportunity and preparation meet.

10. Observe what the masses of people do, and then do the opposite.

People need to be motivated. If it's not innate, pick it up. Have to admit that's what I'm doing. I might not be made, but I'm becoming...

my ideal self... this is a promise I made to myself. I must realise my self... and not live in the shadows anymore...

like said, when there is shadow, there is LIGHT.

Friday, September 03, 2010

Wild Child switch Turned ON

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Som etimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.

I think I do enjoy doing things without sequence. It's really hard to get things done especially meeting deadlines but that's just how I work best. Deadlines simply kill my ability to create new and evolutionary ideas. If I have to balance, the next thing I need to learn tis to be disciplined. Period.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

To start off with, we might have to get our hands dirty...

Adam Ferguson believes that facing difficult moments honestly — without emotionally separating himself from the situation at hand — yields more engaging photographs.

Easy to say? He covers war.

“The moment I become unaffected or unable to feel,” Mr. Ferguson said, “it would be time to go and do something else with my life. The war would have got me.”

“Then all of a sudden I am recording an event that makes these guys look bad,” he continued. “You have a sense of loyalty to them, and you have to reconcile that in relation to your integrity as a journalist.

“As much as it is my job to engage emotionally, it’s also my job to record history, so I can’t break down and cry,” he said. “I have to work and contain my tears. And the more one holds on to their tears, the harder they become to let go.”

“Even though war is tragic,” he said, “it is inherently exciting. Normal life can be banal. After war, engaging with stories that require you to rekindle yourself emotionally, stories that make you laugh and cry, is — I believe — important to maintaining a balance.”

“As a young photographer,” he said, “it’s easy to be filled with ambition and naively forget that what you experience stays with you. If you go to war, it will change you. And it wouldn’t be normal if it didn’t.”

I've always think that to be an outstanding person, we have to be in we have to go as far as to places which "normal" people won't go. In simpler terms, we gotta get out of our comfort zone, constantly stimulate ourselves to the realise our greater potential. We never know where it ends. And it'd probably be bottomless. I admire this young Australian photographer who is only 32 years old. He inspires me. And I feel like stepping out of my comfort zone is a calling... I feel like I can't just live a normal life anymore... I feel like I need to do something which they would call me crazy but I won't give a d*mn when I decide to go.

I was thinking abt how ppl seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
George Carlin
This is another special personality that I have just got to know. He's good in what he does although I don't agree to everything he says and his over-usage of "bullsh*t". Whatever. It's his style. I just like the fact that he's mean and frank which is sometimes how reality is.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
I guess that's his projection. If it were, it fits perfectly like a puzzle.

Between dreams and reality. This dilemma that might tear me apart. We live life once, what are we gona do with it?
I don't know how long I have...I mean nothing in this life is solely owned or permanent. How can I create something that is exclusively mine? The only way would be making changes and make sure the changes are significant to be written in history.
How far am I willing to go? I don't know yet. We shall see how destiny unfolds...

Tonight, I'm in the adventurer's mode. The archetype just come out to play.

Jack London Credo quoted by Irving Shepard

I would rather be ashes than dust!
I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.
I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The function of man is to live, not to exist.
I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.
I shall use my time.

I just find that he (Jack London) is an interesting writer. My told me that the fortune teller once told me that I'll be building my career on writing. I don't know what my destiny will be but writing has always been something I enjoy doing. There are too much information out there and I hope that I can do some FREE FLOW writing, not something too generic or commercial.
London is definitely not my first idol. The person who made the greatest impression on me when I was young is Charles Dickens. I cried when I read his biography which portrays how much hardship he has been through. His life experiences has great influences on his work which are projections of his own life. That is fascinating!

Another classical writer I adore is Hans Christian Andersen, the infamous Danish Fairy Tale writer. I used to love his stories more than anyone else's. Fairy tales leave space for us to imagine. They make us believe in possibilities. And I have come to accept myself for being dreamy after some time when I got lost in between, to get into the realistic side of living. If I would, I rather die of pursuing my dreams than to live a normal life and die without any different accomplishments in life.

That ignites the adventurer archetype in myself which I'm nurturing to set out a spiritual journey of self-discovery which I promise myself before I actually settle down and start a "normal' adult life (i.e. get a stable job, relationship, buy a house and contribute to the society and so on).

I'm gona let my spirits free! And live out the best in me. It's yet to happen but it shall happen!

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Ups-and-Downs of Losing Something Precious

One of my favourite lecturers says grief and loss of a relationship is the reason people seek help from counsellors. I experienced a loss of a special kind of relationship.

It has been more than 24 hours. I had not heard news about my Samsung Wave which was out of my sight. To be exact, I don’t have the full ownership of this phone. I am supposed to return it to Samsung and GoMobile after trying it out.

My feelings had been like a ride on a roller coaster from the moment I discovered it wasn’t in my pocket until I started to write this down. I searched and searched when I first discovered its disappearance in the crowd for more than an hour. I reported my loss to the management and was assured that they would ring me up should they found it or that someone would give it to them. I thought, yeah, there are two “NOT FOR SALE”s signs engraved on the phone, how can someone sell it out? Unless the person does not understand what that means. I calmed down a little after that hoping that anyone who saw it would be kind enough to return to the management.

Hence I keep calling my number. There was no response. I started to get anxious as the clock goes round. My friends told me from their past experiences that there would be a chance of it missing and not coming back again in this case. They rationalize that a person who would return it to me would contact me through all means. My heart almost shattered to have to accept this possibility. I had been constantly telling myself that people would be kind and honest. This is definitely one of the days I could blurb out four-letter-words, like L-O-V-E…

NAH! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING! I’ve been reminding myself to really AVOID the usage of rude words but this time, I can’t find substitutes.

My initial hope seems so gloomy ever since. I had to attend a compulsory workshop after that. I dragged myself there but my heart wasn’t there. All I had been thinking was my phone. In the session, every participant had to describe their current emotions. There were lists of positive and negative descriptions and I chose “INSPIRATIONAL”. My mind was so busy spinning thoughts. I tried my best not to affect people around me by showing face or bad mood until break time. We were allowed to do whatever we wanted to.

I walked off alone thinking about the whole process of losing my phone. I was extremely angry at myself for being careless and not persistent enough to continue searching. My emotions got so intense at a point that I started to lose control and cry. I seriously dislike a situation which is out of my control and I put all the blame on myself for making that happen. Whose responsibility of taking care of my possession is it if not mine? Could there be anyone else I could point my finger to?

It was really heavy. I had not cried for a long, long time. Not even when I was under stress whatsoever. Usually, I would try to solve the problem or shift my focus to something else. This time, I allowed myself to cry out like a child. I just cried as I walked alone. I was like, I have every right to cry for losing something. There’s no point to withhold the pain and continue to pretend that nothing happened. In the training as a counsellor, we are encouraged to be genuine to others and to ourselves and at that point, I just let it out. All my guilt and pain of the loss. It so happen that the last time I lose something was some time ago and the past experience emerges with this loss.

At the end of day, it’s not about what I lost. It’s the helplessness when things get out of control freaks me most. Imagine my Facebook, Twitter and Email accounts which were accessible in a few taps on the screen. I so totally needed a “What you have to do when you lose your smartphone 101”.

And luckily my brain was still able to function and it told me to change the passwords. Then it warmed up a bit and worked better. Instead of waiting naively for the person to switch on the phone after ten thousand calls, I called Digi to bar my number. Their customer service which is superb actually helped me to reduce my stress level. After consulting some friends, they suggested me to file a loss report.

Pei Leng was kind enough to accompany to lodge a police report. This is my very first time so I looked really dumb. I sat down at the counter and started to tell the police about the incident and she asked me, “Boleh buat cerita tak?” I was really puzzled,like, “Huh? Cerita? Ini bukanlah karangan UPSR kan? Ini kisah benar!” That was my monologue though. I typed a short paragraph which I doubt my primary school BM teacher would grade it an “A” but it seems fine for a report. I almost forgot I was in a police station, darn.

I also called to inform the person-in-charge of GoMobile about the incident. He was very understanding and told me that they would discuss it and let me know how to solve this problem.

My feelings went down again after the long, tiring day. This time, it is about losing the pictures I capture in my university life over the past 3 years. It made me feel extremely heavy-hearted. I knew I needed someone to talk to so I went to June’s room. I told her that the pictures and videos captured are irreplaceable. Now that the chance seems so slim, it makes me feel even sadder. She said something which lightened my heart instead, “It’s ok, we’ll make new memories”. I was instantly enlightened and feel grateful that I am blessed to be surrounded by nice people.

I really wish whoever has the phone now would put the phone to good use if he/she does not have the intention to return it to me. It’s afterall a great piece of gadget one would easily fall in love with. After this though, a bulb lightened up. If I could forgive the person who took my phone, why can’t I forgive myself and stop those self-blaming? The loss had definitely made me think. Perhaps that stimulated my potential of being a philosopher to say something like “By letting go, you gain”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not referring to my Wave, I’m talking about my emotions.

Secretively, I still hope miracles would happen i.e. as the person browse through my phone, he/she was greatly entertained by my videos (rated “U” kind, ok? E.g. me imitating the Vice Chancellor during college dinner because her speech was so long I got too hungry and became silly) or inspired by the notes I took down whenever I travel alone. My goodness, my collection of SS (Syok Sendiri) pictures which were never published is now is someone else’s hand. The thought of it alone is embarrassing and terrifying although those pictures are just plain decent pics.

Moral of the story, take good care of your valuables at all times may be a possession or even a relationship. Don’t only regret after losing it and remember its goodness. In this case, I’m starting to miss the Super AMOLED screen, the clarity of speaker, the powerful processor which makes web surfing a pleasure, the cool apps which I downloaded for free, the mini diary which I practically write about personal stuff, the photo album which contains random pictures I snap and the convenience of tweeting from everywhere.

My relationship with this phone is slightly over a month and I seriously wanted it to last much much LONGER. It is officially a relationship because my life is somehow affected now and things weren’t the same as I have personalized the phone. I really hope that my baby would still come back to me L or rather would I say someone, please return my baby to me! I know this sounds silly but I would buy it back if I was given the offer. I’ll make sure this would be the first and also last time I lose a mobile phone.