Thursday, September 10, 2009

090909 ***

Today, I'm not feeling very happy. I'm not sad either. I just felt lost. Like what Ms Nicole said last week during group counselling, I have been disconnected with myself. I wonder what my problem was.
Last week's session was to talk to our "Inner Child", the child inside us whom we sometimes neglect. Today, class is supposed to be continuing on this activity but I had to skip class because of Maybelline Simply Fabulous' Press Conference.

I revisited my past just a few moments ago. I have not been keeping a diary since 13. Luckily I have this blog. I look back to the earliest posts and realised that my decision to continue this blog is right. I have changed over the years, in fact a lot. I look back, and I see a happy child. I look at myself, and I see...ME. I still enjoy all the little things in life but why do I get tired sometimes?

I think I need to be more sincere with my own feelings. I remember the ad that I did for a previous challenge. I know what I have to do it's just that I need some courage. Sometimes I still wonder, do people sacrifice one thing for another? I think I'll need to find out.

Today, I'll just be a child. I'll ask myself silly questions and let Christina Aguilera's song play in my head "Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me, when will my reflection show, who I am inside...."

A child doesn't care about what others say. She just act whatever she likes. Today, I write about whatever I like. I'll just be a child for tonight. I know I have been tough for some time. I need a break, too, just like any others. Today, I talked to my mum. It's her birthday and I'm so sorry I didn't make it home in Aug because I stayed here for the contest. I initially thought I was selfish but after talking to my mum, I still feel that I can always be a child, that there is always someone to take care of me although from far.

YaYa just mentioned not long ago in FB that she does not like being called "tough". I believe her comments were flooded by many other tough girls. My comment sounds something like this: "Being tough is a credit but being yourself is your asset". A credit is given by people, mostly but an asset is something you own. Something given by people can be taken away but something that is yours is yours, unless they snatch it from you. Now I'm starting to wonder if I was borned tough or is it that I learn to be tough? Or worse, I try to be tough but fail miserably?

So, I decided. I'll just be whoever I am. Tough when I am able to be tough. Strong when I need to be strong. Weak when I'm tumbling down and if it matters, stand up even when I fall (with an embarassed smile some more).

It's silly of me sometimes I also behave like a child in front my friends, especially close friends but I know they don't mind ;-) Today, there's no "da jie" (the big sister who ensures others that things will be fine), only a child, who's seeking for equilibrium and her "disconnected self".


At 9:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

like my friend said to me... appearance sometimes can be a disguise contrary to your true inner character. just be yourself... i am being myself all the time, whether my friends like it or not, this is the real side of me...

At 10:35 PM, Blogger Shan said...

well, i think sometimes we just need to regulate ourselves according to the environment but to a degree which is comforatble and acceptable for yourself.


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