Friday, January 04, 2008

i today

I was trapped in the rain on the way back. It was raining heavily. I felt so helpless. I have not felt so empty for quite some time already. I felt lost and I did know what I could do. I tried to call a few numbers for help. It was no good. There was no one out there for me to reach for. I stood there and my heart sank. I wished someone was out there for me, whenever I’m in trouble. Guess I’m not so lucky all the time after all.
It’s no longer a matter of luck anymore. There’s no sign of when it is going to rain. No matter how you’re prepared for a rainy day, there will sure be times when you left your umbrella at home or in the car. When you are under a shelter, you’ll surely wonder should you wait till the rain stops or should you just run your life to the destination so that you don’t waste your time waiting. I didn’t want to get wet. I was afraid I couldn’t bathe when I get back due to the water shortage.
I was depressed. I couldn’t just stay in my comfort zone forever. I had to step out somehow. So I ran in the rain. The rain hit my skin and the wind blew into my face. I barely felt myself physically cold, only my heart, shivering hard…
“Stupid girl”, I teased myself. Why can’t you learn to be more independent? There couldn’t be somebody who will always be there for you (or could there be?)… Even though there are people whom you can put your trust on, no one can be free all the time when you’re in trouble. You have to grow and face it alone.
Alone? I feel so reluctant to have this feeling.
When love dies, you’ll feel alone. If you love and is being loved, your heart shouldn’t have shivered at the first place. I guess, it’s time to end the waiting and rotting. Run bravely to the place you’re heading for. You might get wet, but that’s the only way to get home. Someone could be waiting for you back at home, who knows?


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